I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
