Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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