I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
