my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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