I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize