One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
