I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
