I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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