Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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