I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
We need to get me chipped asap
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
