There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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