she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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