Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
