He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
