we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
