i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
