Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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