connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
