Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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