I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
