Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
