So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
