Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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