this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
