Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I need water and some morals
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
