whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
