I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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