I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
