i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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