It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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