The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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