Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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