u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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