Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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