I accidentally burped into my bong.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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