I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
