Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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