i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
