Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're like the curious george of whores
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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