Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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