Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He shit in the fireplace
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
