11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
