oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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