Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
