I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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