She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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