everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
