I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
