I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
