I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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