Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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