so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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