How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
