Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
