see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
