I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
