I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
zippers are such a cool invention
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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