You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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